It’s been more than three years since my last post. In fact, I remember writing another one (and that was quite detailed actually) that was mainly about a little experience I had had at doctor’s clinic at that time. I didn’t finish it, and- that goes without saying- didn’t post it. A lot happened in the three years after that, the most important thing being that I became a mother. Adjusting to the new ‘mode’ of life as I like to call it, figuring out everything bit by bit along the way, watching my kid grow, spending every day feeding, nappy-changing and what-not, has all been exhausting and extremely rewarding at the same time.
But of course I know that this and all the other factors hardly qualify as justifiable reasons for (eye roll:) heatlessly abandoning this blog that was barely even a newborn at the time. The reason is actually a simple and very basic human dilemma that most of us experience with so many things that we take up and don’t finish: our enthusiasms alongwith our courage and self-confidence that we initially started out with gradually ‘fizzle out’, and everything starts looking too scary to continue, and ourselves too incapable to achieve something. That Winston Churchill quote hits the nail on the head here: “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”
Well…most of us are ordinary folks (I know I am:). So sometimes we don’t even reach the point where we actually have to see failure. After that initial heady enthusiasm is gone, whatever we have managed to do up till that point starts looking a bit pathetic: at the very best, not of much value; at worst, totally worthless. I didn’t even want to look at what two cents I had managed to write so far, and thus this blog, that barely yet existed, was shunned and almost forgotten.
I realized recently that I am actually too much of a coward to pursue a thing (when I hadn’t even gotten to the point of actually starting ‘a thing’, let alone pursuing it:). Whenever this blog came to mind, I would shun away from the memory. To be honest, it seemed too pathetic and embarrassing (I am ashamed now at feeling that way), and not ‘worth its while’. I would think, ‘oh god! I was actually doing that! How could I ever think I would succeed at it.’
Now that I think about it, how could I think so vehemently about failing when I hadn’t kept at anything long enough to fail at it in the first place? Forget about failing again and again and still continuing🙄 When I thought about taking up writing again, and brushing the rust off my pen so to speak (not that I was anything grandiose before, I hardly even qualified as a writer:), I dared to sign in to my WordPress account after such a long time (thank god, my guess for the password was correct:). I was slightly surprised actually: the two cents I had managed to put here when I had first started it weren’t that embarrassingly useless as they had always seemed in my imagination.
I also realized I don’t want to edit or remove any of those words. I want them- as well as anything else I write henceforth- to stay write here, as it is. I want to be able to see how I was when I had first started, how I changed, how I grew to be better. It is also a proof of how I was able to pick up courage to pursue something. I realized it will always – as it should- be precious to me, and I would never regret it even if I fail. To anyone else, it might not seem anything that big to fuss this much over (or warrant ‘gathering up courage’ for:) but for me, everything that I have spent effort to grow and put into shape will always be worth treasuring, and worth its while:)